Detours

I am a wanna-be-perfectionist.  I know that I am not and never will ever be perfect, but sometimes I get really close.  I got some advice the other day that made me feel both a little better and a little bitter about being perfect.  Either way, the advice is helping me to define the path I need to take, and since I can't stop thinking about it, I am going to write about it.

The back story is that I am an educator who loves my job for several reasons, but one that I rarely talk about is about closure.  Every school year is different and the same.  New kids, new curriculum, new year.  Same constraints, same room/building, same issues.  What makes the mundane bearable is that every year has closure, which means I get another chance to make the next year better.  Even though I like the closure part, I start planning for the next year right around spring break. I start making lists about what I would change, how I would rearrange lessons, what I would do differently.  I basically create a plan for the best year to come!  So back to the here and now.

In my current coaching position, I am doing the whole planning thing but hit a major speed bump or maybe a detour is a better analogy.  I was approached by a very well-respect executive director to apply for a position that I had already dismissed.  In my heart I am feeling torn.  I can't possibly leave the staff I have worked so hard to understand.  I am in a great school with an ideal location!  But my darn brain is thinking and wondering.  I could get to work with amazing people that will impact more than just a school.  I would learn new perspectives that could never be obtained from a school setting.  I could make a difference. 

So I know I've rambled a bit, but now I am getting to the bittersweet advice.  After all of the flattery wore off, I had to talk to my principal to see if he really might have a back up coach in mind to replace me.  I was already starting to believe, "No, not right now. This is not the time to try something new" when he gave me a pep talk with no direction.

He said, (and I am paraphrasing all of this) "I can't tell you one way or another what to do, but I can tell you that there will never be that perfect year.  No matter how much you prepare for the next year, there will always be more to do."  Well that sucks!  I left that conversation knowing that it was okay to leave because the work will never be done. 

So in the end, I have been debating with my closest friends and colleagues about applying for a job that will not increase my pay but will increase my responsibility.  A position that will challenge me to ask the hard questions and offer an experience that will help to shape my future in education.  I am pretty sure I am getting in over my head, but I am really excited to see where this road is headed!

My how time flies!

I always knew I would be a teacher, or work in the education field.  What I never expected was that I would be part of the changes occurring in education.  My brain is saturated with strategies and data and thoughts, and all I seem to want to do is teach.  Maybe I need to teach a class on something I am good at.  The problem with that is that I am good a only a couple of things: teaching and talking.  So maybe this whole coaching thing is the right venue for me.  Yet, why is there this annoying voice telling me you can do more, be more. 

My husband said the saddest thing to me the other day.  It was sad for the same reason all things are sad; it was true. I could have everything perfect, tidy, and "done" and still wouldn't be happy.  I am really trying to figure this out, the whole happiness/life balance thing.  I am such a rule follower, a people-pleaser, a "yes" kind of girl.  You think it would be easy to just do your job and do it well.  Guess it's not. 

This past year has really made me re-think what my role is in education.  If I continue on the way education is changing, I risk losing the teacher in me.  But then I think, if I continue to be part of the change in education, I can make it successful for all kids.   I guess  in the end, I will always be in the moment and that moment will always have a little tinge of doubt hopefully overshadowed by all the possibilities that could be.